A Brief Review of Everything

Student sets out to review everything in existence. Fails miserably.

Lifestyle: Being a Zombie

Whilst out on a walk the other day, a funny thing happened to me; the dead began clawing their way out of the earth and devouring the flesh of the living. With people all around me screaming with terror and with pain, I took the only logical course of action. I took out a pen and paper and set about answering a question that has plagued mankind since the 1960’s:

Is it better to be a zombie than a human?

Upon conversion to zombie-ism, the most immediate drawback I can see is the slight drop in intelligence. Put aside any aspirations you may have of winning Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, zombie you would probably struggle with the taxing questions put forth on Dora the Explorer. In fact, any speech at all besides ‘braaaains’ and the occasional grunt will probably be out of your reach, which will make you a frightful bore at parties. In fact, if you do decide to become a zombie, you might as well cancel any plans you have in the upcoming eternity. You’re probably going to forget about them.

However, is this necessarily a bad thing? Say there’s an awkward family gathering coming up that you really don’t want to go to. A zombie would be excused for forgetting. Hell, a zombified you probably wouldn’t even be invited. You’ll find this excuse works for just about anything. Don’t want to go to work? Sorry, zombie. Taxes to pay? Sorry, zombie. Friends need help fighting off the zombie horde? You get the picture.

Another point to consider is the shuffling. As a zombie, you’re going to be late an awful lot. It’s hard to get anywhere when your top speed is slightly better than a sloth chained to an iceberg. What’s more, you’ll have to somehow catch your victims (no take-out for zombies; if it ain’t screaming, it ain’t scrumptious) – your new ambling gait, while certainly menacing, is about as useful in a chase as a pedalo with a hole in the floor. If you hunt in a built-up area with a pack of fellow zombies you might stand a chance at catching something, but otherwise, prepare to have your hunger repeatedly bested by a gentle jog. If other predators had this limitation they would starve. Thankfully you don’t actually need to eat, but bear in mind that if wolves were as slow as you, The Grey would have just been two hours of Liam Neeson on a pleasant snowy stroll.

That brings me onto another point; as a general rule of thumb, biting is not a terrifically effective way of getting anything done. Especially when the thing you’re biting is very enthusiastic about not getting bitten. Imagine if before you were allowed to have a baby, you had to go out and try to gnaw on a grizzly bear. Birth rates would plummet.

That isn’t to say that your new life as one of the shuffling ones would be entirely without merit. There’s something to be said for the ability to shrug off bullets like they were snowdrops (except to the head of course, but most folk aren’t so great at aiming). Even if one of your legs is taken out, it shouldn’t take you long to realise you can drag yourself like a Terminator. And that’s not to mention the added bonus of being practically fireproof; if anything, fire is a Super Mario-esque power up for you. The only thing worse than a horde of zombies in your face is a horde of flaming zombies in your face. Put it all together together and you’d feel as tough as an old Nokia.

Unfortunately however, this newfound feeling might not last. While bullets may just be annoying little flies to you, flies will be tiny little (un?)death bullets. As a human, you have the often under appreciated benefit of not being eaten alive by insects at every passing moment. Zombies, not so much. With no functioning life to defend yourself, you’ll soon find that your radiantly rotting skin is absolutely crawling with maggots. Within a few weeks, you’re going to be little more than a walking, grunting Happy Meal. Add to that the decay from the thousands of bacteria in your currently human gut, and you’re in for a world of misery.

On the whole, it seems that zombification may not always be the best possible life choice. Sure, you’ll feel tough for a while and you’re going to make a few new friends with similar interests, but offsetting that is the stupidity, rotting and almost comedic slowness. Come the apocalypse, you’ll be better off grabbing a shotgun and hiding out in your local superstore.
Unless, that is, you just really want to try a brain.

Rating: 3/10. Would not recommend.

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This entry was posted on 19/08/2013 by in Lifestyle, review and tagged , , , .
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